I have to be honest with you – I’ve been off for a while – probably a month. I can trace it back to a certain event that happened and it has made my life more of a challenge. If you’re reading this and we’ve worked together, you might have noticed something odd in my behavior. You might not have noticed it though, because I am pretty good at hiding it. I’ve been to therapy and I thought I was getting better, but it has gotten worse. Add to that, there are people in my life who claim to like and respect me, yet time and time again I am simply an afterthought in their lives. I mean, that’s fine – I can be an afterthought, just don’t pretend I am more important to you than I really am. Often times it is because I have something they want – usually one of my skills. I am always happy to help people, I just need there to be a bit of gratitude.
So, I am not depressed. I’ve been depressed before and I know this is not as dark as that was. When I was depressed, I could not get anything done…taking a shower or making a sandwich was a real trial…let alone taking care of other humans. No, I am not there – I am actually doing rather well. My business is growing at a nice pace. It’s probably more consistent than growing, but the growth potential is there and we are tapping into it. No, but there is an inner sadness that I am trying to find so I can stamp it out. I wear my heart on my sleeve – so I’m not great at hiding that sadness. However, I really think this sadness comes from without rather than within – if I think about it. Confused? yeah, me too.
I take a daily med for depression or anxiety or something. It’s the lowest dose possible and sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just stopped taking it. I don’t know and I kind of don’t want to. It is a variable I should not explore.
For one reason or another, I had a Medium in the studio last week and I mentioned what happened to her. She got messages from the deceased, who expressed his regrets. That he didn’t think it through and it was a spur of the moment action. When she was in the booth, the lights went out, but only the lights. The power itself remained on. Then, the lights came back and my computer monitors flashed. I got the chills.
I don’t know what I am doing and yet I do. Maybe it’s because my life is governed by a flimsy schedule based on audio that comes in from clients with quick turnarounds. Maybe. Maybe because we’ve not had one podcast customer yet I’ve done a lot of podcasts and I am stressed. Maybe it is the business debt that, if I received all of my accounts receivable today, I could pay off. But the money trickles in.
Today was a true Blatheri ng, but at least now I know that I have some issues I need to address.