I think in pictures. I think in story. I think in terms of emotions. Logic is my enemy. I go with the gut so often and I never learn. I see a creative goal that I wish to achieve and I strive to achieve it. I have fallen flat so many times I’ve lost count, but I still try. This is to my detriment, unfortunately.
Holy Crap I Need To Write That As A Movie!
Easier said than done. I have creative ADD mixed with procrastination and pepper in some impatience laced with self-confidence issues. Yes, I am a God awful mess. I have had some glorious moments in the past, creatively, though they were so long ago, I cannot remember them. I think they were mostly musical – back when that was where my heart was.
It Started With A Stratocaster
When I was 18 my life drastically changed. Why? I followed my heart, unfortunately. Needless to say it changed and I had to continue down the path of wayward creation. My pal Denny and I started playing music together. I had a nice guitar and a crappy amp. He had a crappy drum set (it was mine, actually) but he was pretty good. He got great. Greater than great, actually. If you were to ask anyone from those days about Denny’s drum prowess, you would get a voluminous response. The kid has skills and he progressed exponentially. I was a self-taught (save for a few lessons) guitarist and what I lacked in technique I made up for in heart. We ended up playing some very interesting music together and I am proud of those days. Had I stuck with it, I am sure I would be a pretty damn good guitar player now. But….creative ADD strikes again!!
Is Blaming My Flakiness on Creativity a Cop-out?
Yes, yes it is. Unfortunately, it is also a golden rule for me. I’ve allowed my emotions to make decisions for me since I was 18 (maybe even earlier). Those decisions have proved to be about 50/50 successful. I guess that’s not bad for me. Thankfully, I have an understanding and loving family. I am referring to my parents and my two brothers, who have bailed me out of so many ‘tight spots’, that I cannot ask again. Also, I am 44 and should be able to bail others out of their tight spots. This is not the case, unfortunately.
This brings me to the present day. I often have my fingers in a handful of really cool and exciting projects, none of which materialize for a multitude of reasons. The main and most painful reason is that I am probably not talented enough to actually do them. Case in Point: “That is a great story, it would make a fantastic movie!”. I say this on so many occasions. I have notes and notes of the beginnings of great stories, no endings. Most don’t even have a middle. I guess that is why I’ve only ever completed short films. They all have surprise and abrupt endings too! Why? My ADD kicked in at some point and I devised a way to finish the script quickly.
I didn’t intend on this Blathering to be a Fitz-bashing.
But that’s how it ended up. I have had a tumultuous relationship with my wife and children since day one. My kids don’t know the difference, my daughter has all of my creative ADD, and I am excited and sorry for her at the same time. I have driven my wife mad over the years. That’s an understatement. Sometimes I think that the life I am living now is kind of like Jacobs’ Ladder. (Spoiler) this whole life is me on my deathbed because my wife murdered me in my sleep. I wouldn’t blame her. I am quite impressed that she has not covered my face with a pillow yet! I am pretty difficult to live with. I have few handy skills, even though my family is chock full of carpenters and contractors who can build you anything you want. Because of my ADD I can start projects and then get overwhelmed and move onto something that is more fulfilling. I’ve gotten better. I complete most home-related tasks these days.
If You’ve Made it This Far, You’re My Kind of Friend
Thanks for reading, I just needed to vent. I didn’t get to vent enough, but I should probably stop here. I have a show to do.
