The house next door is dark. It hasn’t been dark for a long time. There has always been a light on. At night, the porch light was lit – if not a room or lights out on the deck. This summer there have been many fires in the fire pit. Their back yard is clearly visible from our house – I mean, they are next door. Our former neighbor moved out of there last summer and the new owners moved in shortly after. It was an annoying introduction to new neighbors because the property survey revealed that the rickety wooden fence that was falling apart in what we called the “far yard” was about one foot behind the property line. This meant that I have been mowing about a foot of their grass. I didn’t care – what’s one foot matter? But that was the first impression I had with my new neighbors: a legal brief sent to us by their realty lawyer that demanded a signature and notary seal – sent back immediately. I seriously had no mind to deal with that. We had just undergone a battle with our rear neighbors’ realtor who had included our “far yard” into the sale of the house behind us. I had to get the Town involved; it was ugly. But these folks proved to be different.
I just went downstairs to get Kelly a bowl of ice cream. McKenna is at a friend’s house, Shaun is sleeping and Abby wants to stay in our bed tonight. I can totally understand. I looked outside and the house is dark – it’s so odd.
I just cannot go into the whole history, but trust me when I tell you that it is not very long. There is a mom and her small child. There is no husband or father – except the Mom’s father. He is there to help with the move in and to help his daughter and grandson. There is another guy there too. He’s there to work on stuff – he’s their fix it man. He would wave to me almost every time I left or returned to the house. He was there, beer in hand, in his chair in the garage. I would raise my hand up through the sun roof. He would wave back. Kelly spoke with him on many occasions – I didn’t.
I’m going to say that I knew this guy before I knew him. He started drinking beer by 9am and worked hard all day. He was a jack of many trades. He knew how to do everything and he did it so well. He had demons. Like I said, he started drinking at 9am and stopped when it was time to pass out. He ran power tools and took precise measurements. He did such great work. I admired him and I knew him. I knew his pain and I knew his kind. I grew up with construction guys working for the family business. (My father and two brothers) They smoked pot and drank a lot, but could frame out a room or ANYTHING while they were using. They actually couldn’t do it as well when they were sober. I know that because they all tried at least once. They used to all joke about it…about how they were useless when they were sober.
Fast forward to Wednesday, August 22, 2018. That’s still today as of this writing. I turned on my street and as I rounded the bend I saw first responders. They were in front of the neighbor’s house but I was still concerned about my kids so I rushed into the house. They were fine. They had no idea there was anything going on next door. I made sure they were OK and wanted to see what was going on. A guy in our neighborhood is a chief at the local station – I saw his truck there. I noticed some commotion in the backyard. I closed the blinds and told the kids to continue with their TV show.
I went out on the deck and down the stairs. I rounded the corner and down into the yard. That’s when I saw him. The yellow shirt, the camo pants, the pale face, the fallen ladder, the stillness…the rope. Fuck. Al hung himself. FUCKING WHY? Oh my God, Kelly! She had a beer with this guy last week. We have a broken toilet and have been wanting to remodel – she brought him through the house to show him. Maybe we could hire him when he was done next door. Maybe we could help him out too. We never told him that. Maybe he would have had something else to look forward to. Maybe not.
I can still see it. I can still see that scene in my mind’s eye. I can see the yellow tarp they wrapped him in while awaiting the Medical Examiner. He was wrapped for almost 2 hours. I left as they were investigating. I could see his face again – and I wondered why.
Why didn’t we make it more clear that we were here for him? Why didn’t I make it clear that I was an ear for him? A shoulder? Why? Why? I know it is not my fault and I cannot feel guilt. But I cannot forget the emptiness I felt…as though I were he. The emptiness and lonliness he must have felt. He measured the rope so perfectly. His feet were practically touching the ground. He was only about half an inch off. He was never half an inch off. Dammit.
I’m a small business owner and I also have a full-time radio job. I am fortunate that my radio gig is a morning show and so I am out early enough to still have a good chunk of the day to kick things into gear. BUT….the most productive hours are the morning hours – AND I AM AT WORK AND NOT IN MY OWN STUDIO!!!! Then I get to the studio (my second job) after I have lunch with my kids (who are due back at school in just a few weeks – but who is counting?) Now I have to catch up on doing VO’s, editing, Podcasts, general biz admin and…oh yeah…marketing, following up sales leads, answering emails and much much more. Sometimes, my workload actually takes up all of that time and the next thing I know I am rushing home to make dinner and perform my Dadministrative duties – then it is time for bed so I can be up early for the show. All by myself. But darnnit, I am not an island.
An island is all by itself, with only the resources it has or whatever washes up on shore. That won’t work forever if you want to grow. There is only so much room and whatnot! I looked into all of the below possibilities”
Find someone to help! A part time employee who works maybe 10-20 hours per week at minimum wage could be a huge help to get the busy work done. Retirees and students are perfect candidates. Yes, it is not ideal and there are risks. Plus, you have to jump into the “employee” realm! If you are a sole proprietorship, that may be tough…and I get that.
Invest in some kind of CRM software to help with the data being thrown at you all day. After the learning curve, it is like having an employee there that never sleeps.
If sales or marketing is lacking – try for an intern or a commission only contractor who can work remotely and do thy bidding for a piece of the action. I am exploring this option currently and I am seeing a positive trend just in my time management. Again, you have to vet this person because you are giving them some power representing you and your company. Starting with friends and family is a good idea, just have an agreement in writing.
Virtual Assistant – I have zero experience with this option. I know VA’s are not cheap, but I also know that when you find the right one for you, he or she will be a game-changer. I have heard from friends and colleagues who swear by their Virtual Assistant. They can cover so much for you and free you up for the important work.
None of these are an easy fix and require an investment of time and money, but the ROI’s are pretty positive.
The important takeaway from this Blathering, is that you need help. Figure out which kind of helper will make a difference and do it. If you need to take a loan or sell a kidney, maybe you should – it will pay off in the end. (I do not endorse the sale of any human organs, the above comment was used to illustrate a point)
If I were to name this new phase I am venturing into, I would not name it Fitz 2.0. Why? Because Fitz 2.0 happened in 2012 or something. Then came Fitz 3.0 in 2013 and there was one in ’15 and in ’16. I had a short-lived reboot in 2017 but that wasted away in Margaritaville. So, I will not name this reinvention because it would probably be Fitz 7.876 or something mathematically confusing. Check out my old BLOG which chronicled my fitness ADD. For a while, I was really doing well…but I let it fail because I was unable to control my brain. I am not doing a crash diet or a starving plan.
What I Plan on Doing
I am going to eat mostly clean. I am going to make my meals on Sundays and Wednesdays (which may change depending on how this works). I am going to follow a 40/40/20 macronutrient ratio and try to hit 2200 calories per day. I will do a 24 hour fast once to twice per week and I will have one cheat meal per week, which will be my family’s typical “pizza and wings” Friday night. I will only consume water, tea and coffee, fat free milk and mineral water. I will not drink Diet Sodas or any N.A. Beer. (I quit drinking real alcohol). If I have a sweet tooth, it will be a nice healthy snack. *(See pudding recipe below)
I am going to lift 3 times per week and run for 30 minutes after I lift. Each session will be journaled and posted for everyone to follow. if I miss, I will not lie about it – and I hope I will be held accountable. I am prepared for the possibility that nobody will care enough and that it totally fine. In years past, that would affect me. Now, I do this for me and not for recognition.
I will track it all with CronoMeter:
Today’s Snack Recipe: Fitz’s Muscle ‘Pudding’
You can use a vanilla or flavored yogurt if you want, but I try to avoid that added sugar. This is not a new invention, but I like it. You can also add quick oats or muesli to up the carbs if you want.
Plain Greek Yogurt (1C)
Chocolate Whey (1 scoop)
Frozen (or Fresh) blueberries (1C)
fresh cinnamon to taste
.5 oz chopped raw almonds
465 calories – 51.1g Protein – 47.1g Carbs – 9.6g Fat Macro Ratio (45/38/18)
Want to do it With Me?
I invite YOU to restart yourself and we can make it public! WHAAAA? Yes, I mean public. As in – post it all (more than usual) for the world to see. What you’re eating, how much you’re exercising, etc. No secrets! (Well, you can keep the real personal stuff secret…there Tiger!)
Hey, I am not a professional trainer or nutrition specialist – but I know what works for me and I’d love some partners! Let me know if you want to try it with me.
If you’ve read a few of my Blatherings, you know that my life revolves around movie quotes. The one above makes my point succinctly. Plus – Burt Young and Keith Gordon – two fantastically under celebrated actors.
I’ve learned that you really need to CYA at all times regardless of how well you “think” you know who you are dealing with. This holds true for business and personal encounters. I might be slightly naive to believe in my heart that most people want to do the right thing. I think it breaks down when it comes to the part where they must take action, and if it is at all an inconvenience.
If you’ve ever had to barter services for mutual benefit, you know how easy it is for one or even both parties in the transaction to devalue the services being bartered – especially when any out of pocket expenses are involved.
Let’s say you have a service that a friend of yours needs. That friend has the ability to really get your services out to his or her network. Do those values match? You really need to figure that out, otherwise you might be on the losing end of the bargain. If you would normally charge $2,000.00 for your service, you had better be sure that your pal gives you equal or greater value. Sure, if your service is no out of pocket and you want to do your ‘bro’ a favor, that’s totally cool and totally your call – “The Dude Abides”.
If you enter into any kind of barter arrangement – WRITE IT UP! Make sure both parties have the deal in writing. It is all too easy for someone to say they misunderstood and not deliver the quid pro quo. I have had this happen to me and it is really unfortunate – especially if you like the person who suddenly ghosts you when you’re looking for your part of the barter.
I’m a forgiving and understanding person, so I get it. Sometimes you can be excited about a barter situation because it will really benefit you and you’re not entirely worried about the end game when you have to pony up your end of the deal. Protip: don’t promise something you cannot deliver – and get it in writing. I’ve moved on from my disappointments so I’m good with it all, but I won’t make that mistake again!
You’ve heard the statement: “It’s business, not personal.” Mostly when it comes to mob-hits or something like that, right? Well, sometimes the line between business and personal is not just blurred, it is INVISIBLE! One of the hardest situations to navigate is when you are rejected at a professional level – by someone you know personally. I have a huge character flaw which causes me to take almost everything personally. Yes, I’m owning that and yes, I am classifying it as a character flaw. I really admire anyone who can let criticism roll off their back like kool-aid off a duck’s briefcase. Botched similes aside, I have recently had to deal with feeling slighted and disrespected professionally, but I am POSITIVE that it is not a personal slight – but it sure does feel like it. Example: someone I know had an appointment with me, but then had a “scheduling issue”, but ended up on social media with my competition. Did he not think I would see it? He was just doing his thing and probably doesn’t know he has disrespected me. To his credit, it is not something someone in his position would really know off the bat. BUT – I still feel the way I do and it is really difficult to shake it off. I want to confront him about it – but that would be petty and unprofessional. I have to just LET IT GO.
Have you ever experienced something like this before? I am really pulling from deep within myself to capture my positivity and counteract these dark feelings. I have to convince myself that this is business and not personal. As a small business owner, if someone doesn’t choose my service, it is really hard to wonder if they passed me up because I didn’t measure up. Sadly, that’s how I think – and I am trying to break that habit. If you have ever felt that way – let’s break that habit together.
Owning a small business based on some form of creativity makes it automatically a personal process to some extent. But not taking things personally means you must separate yourself from the business – in some way. I am working towards that end goal. I remind myself that I have a lot to offer my clients and that others are more interested in their own agenda to really consider my personal feelings. So – it really isn’t personal – it is just business. There – I got through it.
Being thoughtful – truly thoughtful, is a real artform that so very many people just don’t understand. Being thoughtful isn’t just remembering a birthday or wedding anniversary. Being thoughtful is bringing someone a pink carnation on their birthday because they once told you about how much they love pink carnations. Thoughtfulness, in my opinion, is going that extra step to really get through the N.O.I.S.E.
N.O.I.S.E. is anything that qualifies as the following descriptives: (Needless – Ostentatious – Insensitive – Senseless – Expletives). Nasty comments, people who are just promoting a Ray Ban Sunglasses Sale or their skincare products, folks who have nothing to offer to the conversation in a meaningful way. You know those people. So, how do you get through them on the Friend-Books and Twissler tweets? Just make a personal connection to the person you are trying to engage with. Instead of “Happy Birthday”, I like to post something more personal. “Happy Birthday, Tom – hope you get that rash cleared up soon!” Well, maybe not THAT personal, but you get the idea.
In the workplace, it is also taking an extra step to break out from the pack and take the lead. I have encountered many people throughout my career who were not very good at their jobs, but they went over and above to be courteous and respectful – even NICE! Those are the people who, despite their professional shortcomings, held onto their positions and even advanced in the company – because their attitudes allowed people to take an interest in their professional education. As a manager, I am far more likely to take extra time with the person who just can’t get it right but is always smiling, as opposed to the joker who does the absolute minimum and talks smack about the guy in shipping with the lazy eye.
Be authentic. Be thoughtful. Be positive. Be the ball.
Today I learned about the Impostor Syndrome. I could easily identify with it because I have been afflicted with it for years. Simply stated, the Impostor Syndrome is when you fear that others will discover that you are really a fraud and don’t deserve your success. You’ve been “faking your way to fame and fortune” this entire time and someone is bound to discover that you are not that talented, you don’t know enough to be where you are and that you are a total fake – a fraud. This is a real psychological condition that has been and is still being studied. I’ve always had this complex – but it intensified when I started working in radio full-time. I think it can be a blessing of sorts.
I would (and still do ) get all awkward when someone refers to me as a “celebrity” because I’m on the radio. I am always quick to scoff at that idea. Although it is not entirely untrue, it is a gross overstatement for certain. There are other personalities that are celebrities in this town. I am only a celebrity when compared to others who are not in some form of the public eye. I have friends in the business who are actual celebrities – well, at least in Rochester, NY or the surrounding areas. The funny thing is that I know some celebs who act like they are superstars and some superstars who are the most down to earth people on the planet.
I think having some variation of the Impostor Syndrome makes us humble and real. I think it has to be a superficial syndrome, though. I have a real problem with my own Impostor Syndrome making me feel unworthy of anything and having a low self-esteem…which I am working on. But having an outward version of this could be helpful in making you more approachable and humble – essentially making you a better leader. You know?
For me, I have to beat my own version of the Impostor Syndrome – which is the “Holy Crap I suck” Syndrome. But, I am working on that. I have made tons of mistakes in the past and I am not going to beat myself up over them. At the same time I want to always remain humble and approachable. When my success reaches the inevitable heights that I expect they will and people come up to me on the streets asking me how I became so freaking awesome, I want to be able to remain humble. 🙂
Maybe I am just in a funk, but it seems like each and every morning starts out OK, but then I sink into a feeling of despair that I have to really work at shaking off. Why? I really have no idea. Well, maybe I have an idea after all. You see, I really love what I do on a daily basis. I love doing radio, I love doing Voice Overs, I love editing audio and video and recording podcasts. I love solving technical problems with little resources because it challenges me to think and utilize my 25 years of troubleshooting experience. Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice to simply throw money at a problem, but I have never really worked in an environment where that was possible. I even worked for a Fortune 500 company whose CEO owned a basketball team, but even there, we had to make due with less than what we really needed. That has never changed in my professional life. I had only one job where they had the best tools for the job – and I was laid off 11 months after I started because of a great recession.
I’m going to stay positive with this article because – well, I really have to. In trying to create a positivity-based life, I must always see the forest through the trees. So, I am going to speak directly to the Managers who might be reading this. Are you a team leader or department head? Did you know that you and people like you in every single industry in this country control the mental and emotional well-being of the working class of this country? Some would argue with me, but getting down to the brass tax ask this question: How many people had a bad day at work because of their boss or supervisor? How many of those people end up with stress related illness like insomnia, anxiety, depression, obesity and high blood pressure? Do I have the science? Not in front of me – but I have been there, so I have my own anecdotal evidence. Plus, it is a darn good hunch.
If you are a manager, do this country a favor and compliment your employees. Tell them they are doing a good job. For the ones who are not, find at least one thing they are doing right and build on that. Build them up, don’t knock them down. The best leaders want good things for their team. Are you afraid one of your staff might take your job one day? Then do your job better instead of holding them down.
There is nothing more crushing in a job when you feel that your management doesn’t care about you. I know what that’s like. I am no stranger to being treated like a warm body in a seat. Made to feel that I am no more special than the guy who served me a coffee in the cafe, and if asked, he would do my job just as good.
Managers – you can change the emotional landscape of this country. You can help make people feel good about a day’s work. The big question is will you? The bigger question can be, why wouldn’t you? Because if you don’t treat your team with respect, then you don’t deserve to lead them.
Oh man – today have been one heck of a trial in my quest for inner peace and positivity. Ever since I have gotten this job I have battled with my perceived expectations and the realities of this gig. 20 years ago, having your own morning radio gig was a real accomplishment. Today, it is just another job. While, it is a job I love doing, it is a constant battle within myself to only see the good and ignore the bad.
The Angry Free-Bee
My wife and I have always been paycheck to paycheck. I had the misconception that if I got a decent full-time radio gig, I would get those coveted free-bees we always see the jocks getting. “New cars, new bathrooms, new roofs, new closets…” Then, reality set in. I get some decent perks, don’t get me wrong, but most of the really big stuff I really need, don’t come. That stuff goes to the A-Team in town. Ironically, the ones who typically can pay for all of that themselves get it for free. It has been a constant battle for me to deal with. I feel like a little primadonna if I complain about it, because after all, I don’t deserve any of that just because I am in this seat. ANYONE could be in this seat. They get those things because they have popular radio shows and have become staples in this community – and I am just a guy from FL, I get that. So – I have to write to deal with this. I now publish these thoughts to the world, because maybe someone else goes through these things and can get something from my writing.
This is all a greater lesson for me to learn
I must realize that these things I want are not coming to me because there is a greater lesson for me to learn. Maybe I’m supposed to figure out a way on my own. Maybe I was not meant to get this stuff just given to me, because it would not help me to grow. I’m kind of a late bloomer. My own family (my former nuclear family, not my current one) always felt that my parents spoiled me. They did so much for me that my brothers had to do for themselves. They have animosity towards me – even if it is not my fault entirely. This is something I’ve recently learned that I am dealing with. Maybe that’s the greater lesson here.
My Take away from all of this
I needed to think through all of this, I guess. I don’t need handouts. I don’t need anyone to think I’m anything special because I need to get this all for myself, so I can be proud and own it. I do the best I can with what I have each and every day on the air. I play music people like and I say some funny things from time to time, so there is value in that. All the while I am learning how to better myself and provide a different kind of value: self-value. Does that make sense?
Thanks for allowing me to Blather – I feel better now. Try it. Blather in the comments below – we can help each other out.
I could stand to lose 40lbs. That would put me down to about 175lbs. I was 174 in October of 2015 after I did a crash diet through the radio station. It wasn’t the first time I was down that low in my adult life either! I was down to 174 in late 2009 after I started getting really into fitness and nutrition. I could have stayed fit and healthy of body, but I was not healthy of mind. So, here’s the rabbit hole:
The Rabbit Hole – Read This and You Will Know Me Better Than Most People Do
I was unhappy in my life for so many reasons. I was laid off from my job in 2008 and then less than 2 years later was forced into freelance status by my employer. Now, a freelancer by definition means you are free to work for whomever you wish, yet this guy insisted that I could only “freelance” for him. So, what that meant was that he wanted me to be a part-time employee but not have to pay me through the payroll. We had a falling out and so I was without any employment for a short time. Because of this development, I was forced to stay home with the kids. Let’s see, this was 2010, so I had a 7 year old, a 6 year old recently diagnosed with Autism and a 3 year old. I was not happy about it.
My early adult years were mired in mental and emotional abuse. I have always been an insecure person, but I have always known that I possessed great talents. One thing that has always kept me from having the confidence I needed to succeed was my weight. I’ve been “husky” since I was about 10 or 11. Often times I was treated like “Verne’ in Stand By Me. My neighborhood “friends” in elementary and middle school were not very loyal to me. I had a couple of good friends in middle school – really good people. Like Stand By Me, we drifted apart…thankfully none of them were knifed in a fast-food restaurant. Fast forward to my adult years – my first professional job was so demanding that it really did a number on my psyche. It was very much like the film Office Space.
I had a super-ambitious boss and I learned a lot from him. The most important lesson I learned from him was how to be an effective manager: I basically do the opposite of everything he did. He used to call me a fat bastard. He used to hold me to higher standards than anyone ever did. He used to put me in charge and then have underlings check on me behind my back, asking other employees questions about when I arrived to work, when I left, etc. My relationship with this place of employment was very similar to that of an abused spouse.
I started that job in 1997, left in 2001, went back in 2002, left in 2003, went back in 2004 and left for good in 2007. I still have horrible nightmares that I have gone back to work there. It was a pseudo-creative job with long stretches of intense oppression and some nice travel. When I did travel, I was usually by myself or with someone that was nothing like me. I was usually lonely and always trying to find a girlfriend/wife. Trying too hard. I had one real relationship in my early adult years that only lasted 2 years, but we lived together and it was really intense. That ended abruptly and also affected my self esteem. It was shortly after that relationship when I started my “relationship” with this job. My way to cope with the stresses of the job and my own perceived inadequacies was to self-medicate. That really set the stage for this show that I’ve been performing for 20 years – a horrible horrible show.
Each time I was sufficiently motivated to really change myself, I was met with a setback. Many people are able to accept those setback and “sally forth”. I was not able to. I cannot even get into it now – because there is just so much – the rabbit hole goes for miles and miles. But, this brings me back to my 40lbs statement.
Sick and Tired of the Self Doubt and Lack of Confidence
I got into radio and that was a rough ride for my self esteem. My first week on the air at Fickle and I got an email from a guy who said I was horrible. I’ve learned to let that kind of stuff go, but I still have an insane desire for people to like me. I am working on that on a daily basis. I still have to deal with the fact that some people only pretend to like me because I work in radio and I can do something for them. Those are the people who don’t respond to my messages when I need something from them. They know who they are – and they are not bothering to read this anyway. But I am done with it! I am 45 and I am setting goals for myself and I don’t give a rat’s ass what people say about me. You have no idea how hard that is for me to write, but it feels good. Thankfully, I have the support of my lovely wife and 3 awesome kids and two cats. That’s all I need to be successful. It has taken me 20 years to grow enough to climb out of that dark well of loneliness and despair. The low dose of medication I am on helps too, but I am focused on dropping that too. I started my positivity blog and podcast so I could live in a positive world – a world of my own creation. A way to climb out of the rabbit hole.
If you would like to join me on the road to success and self-esteem, drop me a line and tell me your story. We can trade inspiring thoughts and quotes. I think we need to surround ourselves with like-minded people ALL THE TIME so we don’t fall back down the well. Lassie isn’t here to save us, Timmy – we have to save ourselves.
Just make a personal connection to the person you are trying to engage with. Instead of “Happy Birthday”, I like to post something more personal. “Happy Birthday, Tom – hope you get that rash cleared up soon!” Well, maybe not THAT personal, but you get the idea.
As a manager, I am far more likely to take extra time with the person who just can’t get it right but is always smiling, as opposed to the joker who does the absolute minimum and talks smack about the guy in shipping with the lazy eye.
I think having some variation of the Impostor Syndrome makes us humble and real. I think it has to be a superficial syndrome, though. I have a real problem with my own Impostor Syndrome making me feel unworthy of anything and having a low self-esteem…which I am working on. But having an outward version of this could be helpful in making you more approachable and humble – essentially making you a better leader. You know?
Some would argue with me, but getting down to the brass tax ask this question: How many people had a bad day at work because of their boss or supervisor? How many of those people end up with stress related illness like insomnia, anxiety, depression, obesity and high blood pressure? Do I have the science? Not in front of me – but I have been there, so I have my own anecdotal evidence. Plus, it is a darn good hunch.
